she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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