Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
