It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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