Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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