The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
The air was thick with penises
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
