Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
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I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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