I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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