Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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