I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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