There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
