Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Randomize
