At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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