i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
