i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
