We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
