My boss' voice literally gives me gas
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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