when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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