i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
