pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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