the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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