True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
