I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
