He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
