There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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