chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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