3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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