mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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