I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
