I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
