I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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