I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
