I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
