you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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