i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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