Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
