I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
