I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
