I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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