2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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