I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
