just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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