Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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