Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
