I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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