12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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