the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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