my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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