The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
