It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
