he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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