got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
