You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
