but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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