just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Randomize
