don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
