Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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