brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
tequila makes me forget i have legs
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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