how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
