First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
