Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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