Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
