I'm laying in your front yard are you home
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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