so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
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Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
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You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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