apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
